It can be so hard to navigate healthy boundaries around the holidays. I'll be sharing more over the next few episodes, but let's kick off our conversation with this replay from 2020 - which still has a lot of relevance in 20201 unfortunately.
Full Shownotes can be found on the blog.
00:00:00 Hello, welcome to this episode. What I wanted to share with you today is all about boundaries. I did a talk last year for Christian Enneagram Club, which was available at the time, and I would go live every week. And this was one of the topics that we talked about, which was holidays and boundaries, especially in 2020, because it was a different year.
00:00:25 And unfortunately, or in reality, I suppose, 2021 is shaping up to be in some ways the same. So I wanted to share it again with you this year in the hopes that it will give you some, a spark to your thinking and how you're approaching boundaries this year; how you're thinking about what needs to be put in place to keep, to, to protect your wellbeing, the wellbeing of your relationships, the resources that you have, your time and energy and bandwidth, and all of that in a healthy and well-rounded way. That is the goal. So if you have any questions, as you're listening to this, please reach out to me on email@example.com. Let me know if you'd like a deeper dive into this and what it might look like in 2021 specifically. So have a listen. I hope that you enjoy it.
00:01:31 Hey guys, I am doing mindset minutes a little bit differently today. Let me know if this is not your style. We'll see if the kids let me get through this. I'm popping in a little bit early, because this is the time that my kids are quiet.
00:01:50 What I wanted to talk about today, instead of bringing a tip for each type or a way to apply the Enneagram theory for each type, really what I wanted to talk about today was boundaries around the holidays. So what, because I, I feel like maybe what I'm feeling a little bit, you might be feeling a little bit; so I just wanted to talk about it because I think that bringing it out of ourselves is a way to help us discern what's best for us, what's best for our family, what's best for our extended family, and all of that stuff. So I think it's an important thing to talk about. So we're going to talk about it. One thing that I've seen, or I've noticed in myself here in 2020 is that holiday stress and feelings of expectations or feelings of pressure or feelings of longing to be with family.
00:02:58 All of those things feel bigger than they usually do. I don't know if this is how it is for anybody else, but for me, everything feels magnified: the stress, the grief of not having what I was hoping for or what, what I might expect on a normal year around Christmas time, the pressure to make it right for my kids and make it special somehow...you know, all of those things. So instead of really talking about each type, what I'm going to do is just bring up some ways or some reasons why you might feel one way or another when it comes to boundaries around Christmas. Because I think there's a lot of nuance here. I do not think that this is an issue that's simply about your Enneagram type and here's why: every Enneagram type tends to have an-- (side note; boundaries is probably going to be a monthly topic all by itself. It's not what we're talking about in December, but it probably is because it's a big, it's a big topic.) Boundaries really are affected by our Enneagram type. That is very true, like kind of how we approach them. And some of the ways we can grow to have healthy boundaries and respect other's boundaries and all of that stuff definitely impacted by our Enneagram type, but also very, very impacted by our subtype. Are you a self preservation type who is focused on home and health and safety and things like that? That's a big determining factor.
00:04:46 I think as we move into (especially 2020) Christmas as to whether you are more, more naturally inclined to have super strong, super tight boundaries, or if you are more naturally inclined to ask for people to take their boundaries down, like a self preservation type is probably going to be "I'm in close, I'm keeping safe, please respect my boundaries" and as social or possibly a one-to-one type, although one-to-one might kind of be in the middle of these, social is probably on the other side of the spectrum where they're a little bit more like "for me to feel safe and okay, I want to be around my people. I want to be around my circle. So please open up your boundaries and to let me in." And so you have these two really opposing ideas, but the goal of each of these types of the same: we want to feel, okay, we want to feel safe. We want to feel like we belong.
00:05:49 How each of these subtypes goes about that can be very opposite and can cause a lot of friction. So the reason I'm not really talking about each Enneagram type specifically today is just because I think this comes down to subtypes, circumstances, what's going on, where you live, what's happening with your family, what are the plans that are being made that now you have to make choices about; things like that.
00:06:19 So circumstances, subtype, and what else did I write? Expectations. What are the expectations or pressures that are being placed on you that are unique to you? So all of that is going to land you probably along the spectrum of boundaries, either where you are setting (wait, which side did I put that on) setting very strong boundaries and you need to be intentional and aware of what's going on there so that you have a healthy balance; or you are more likely to unintentionally and maybe even unknowingly invade other's boundaries, you know, not, not on purpose, but just your, your, where you're going to feel safe is into people, is around people and where maybe somebody else who's over here where they're going to feel safe is away from people. That's just how it is. That creates this friction.
00:07:17 And so what I just wanted to do today, I'm going to try and keep it short because I don't know how long the kids will let me keep talking to you; where do you think you fall when it comes to Christmas? When it comes to the holidays coming up? And what adjustments can you make now to be in a healthy place, communicate with your people and get to the other side, get to the other side of Christmas with your wellbeing intact, your relationships intact and, and causing, being as, being a part of that friction as little as possible.
00:08:06 Right? So another thing to look at when you are thinking, "well, am I a, oh, am I more towards creating too many boundaries, or am I more towards invading too many boundaries?" That's something to think about. And it's, it's difficult to think about because no matter where you are on the spectrum, both of them feel like, well, I have to, that's how I have to be. Like, that's the only way that feels safe. That's the only way that feels. Okay. So if I need people, I'm going to go to people. If I need to be away from people or shutting them out, I'm going to do that.
00:08:53 Here's the thing: Everybody is going through a lot of the same stress. One thing to keep in mind is that this isn't a normal year where going into the Christmas season there's going to be a small percentage of people who are dealing with a huge amount of stress and a large percentage of people who can be a support system. It's the other way around this year; it's the majority of people are under a massive amount of stress and strain, and there's only a tiny fraction of people who are like, you know, I'm pretty, okay, what do you need from me? Just keep that in mind.
00:09:39 And I'm not saying that you have to change how you're being or the boundaries that you have in place. That's not what I'm saying. What I'm saying is it is a good time, three weeks or so before Christmas, to just be thinking, "Should I adjust some of those boundaries, or should I be more inclined to not ask people to shift their boundaries?" Like you're going to be on one of those two ends. Either you're going to have to say, "Hmm, maybe, maybe I can open up just a little bit more, stretch myself, do a little bit more than I thought I could." And that will help the people who are on this side. And then the people who are on this side can say, "Maybe I don't need to ask so much. Maybe I can do without that support part. Maybe I can not ask whoever to participate in this thing, because that might be too much for them."
00:10:47 And it's, I just think it's a hard place to be this year. It's a hard place to be no matter where you are at on the continuum. And I think it's an important question to ask. So here's the question. And I think I might rewrite, I'm late for this month's journaling prompts because I was thinking like, what do I want to talk about in the journaling prompts? I knew I want to talk about this. Didn't know exactly how I wanted to talk about it. So I think I'm going to read you the journaling prompts. They will be in the members' lounge tonight, at some point tonight. So it's safe to check tomorrow morning dependent on when you go to bed. Here's the questions, okay, for you just to be thinking about right now.
00:11:36 What boundaries do I have in place when it comes to Christmas? Just list them out. Like, what are the things that you have already decided you're willing to do, not willing to do, where you're willing to be, not willing to be, the, you're willing to have kind of placed on you or not; like, those are all the boundaries. Those are the boundaries that we're talking about. The, the people that you are willing to communicate with or not; the engagements and events...
00:12:11 I don't know you, you know, you know, going into Christmas, you're like, "That's okay. That's not okay." Those are where your boundaries are at. So what are your boundaries, where in those boundaries are the things that you have a little bit of give, like naturally where you're like, "Well I dunno, I could go either way." Make a point of pointing those out, because you might find that just giving a little bit where you already feel like you can, is going to be so helpful for people who are looking for their people this season.
00:12:57 And if you're kind of on this side of the spectrum, list out whatever boundaries you can think of, even hinted-at boundaries that other people have communicated to you, or that you, you know, this person would be uncomfortable with that. Like, what are some boundaries of others that you know exist? Okay. And then mark down the ones that you're like, "Oh, that, that wouldn't take away any of my joy" or "I wouldn't feel, I wouldn't feel unsupported. You know, if I just respected that boundary without asking about it again" or whatever, you know, make a note of the boundaries of others. If you find that you tend to feel okay, try to feel okay by sometimes forgetting the boundaries. If that's, you make sure that you are really thinking about, "Where can I respect these boundaries, honor them so that this person over here feels supported?"
00:14:15 I think the way to get through Christmas or the holidays in general is for both sides on both sides of the spectrum to give just a little bit, to give just a little bit, because I think the stress of 2020 and everything that's happening right now over on top of the holidays is pushing us from the middle to the outside, pushing us along that continuum to one or the other. I think the only way to get through this; not, not the only way. I think it's important to think about how we relate to them and where we can either, if we're on this side, move a little more towards self-support instead of others support; and if we're on this side, move a little bit more towards being around people in in however it feels still safe and things. So just moving towards the middle a little bit will bring us closer together without one of us feeling imposed upon and the other one feeling out in the cold, I guess that's what I'm, I guess that's what I'm thinking about this month.
00:15:25 We're still going to be talking about goals on Monday; we're going to be talking about that. But if this is a conversation that you want to have, like, feel free to reach out; there's the hot seat coaching; there's other ways that you can get one-on-one coaching with me, if this is something that you feel you need, like would be really helpful for you to talk about the nuance of your circumstance, your subtype, how you relate to boundaries and how you would feel supported by the people around you. Let me know if that's something that you would want. I'm here for that. It's something I'm working through real time as well, because 2020, 2020 is a thing.
00:16:12 And there you have it. Those are my thoughts from a year ago around holidays and boundaries. I hope that it sparked some thinking and kind of sparked up your imagination in how you can use what you know about yourself and your Enneagram type, and really implement some healthy boundaries in your relationships, or your time, or those kinds of things. Next week what I want to share with you are some, some things to watch out for when you are showing up to these holiday gatherings or these family events that are coming up with this new self-awareness and some of the ways that it might, that we might unwittingly, when we do this, cause some harm or create some negative impact to the people around us.
00:17:00 So I wanted to give you those tips next week. So be sure to listen in. And if you have any requests or suggestions for topics for this podcast, I'm always interested and really longing to hear what you want me to talk about. So you can reach out on firstname.lastname@example.org. I'd be happy to have your suggestion and put it into the lineup for these podcast episodes.
00:17:26 That's all I have. I'm grateful for you. And I will see you next week. Talk soon. Bye.